Oct. 2003, Xene #36
Western Woman + Japanese Man = ??
Getting the Equation Righ
By Sian Thatche



Why is it that men come over from the West and get married to Japanese girls, while girls come over and just get frustrated? When it comes to love in Japan, the Western guys become heroes, revered by all and sundry, whereas the women are repeatedly ignored.
The last three decades has seen sharp increases in the number of international marriages in Japan: from only 5,546 in 1970, to 36,263 in 2000. In many of these, the groom was Japanese and the bride was from a neighbouring Asian country. When the bride was Japanese, Americans ranked high on the list of husbands.

Japan is clearly opening its marital doors to foreign cultures, but apparently not to women from the Western hemisphere. This is shown in Vital Statistics of Japan, a yearly survey by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare. In 2001, just 175 American women married Japanese, compared with 1,416 American guys. Japanese social trends are rapidly changing. The young are opting out of arranged marriages, standing up for themselves, and going the way of the Western individualist. They are choosing the "love marriage," the buzzword of the moment being "choice." While all this is going on, the question has to be, Why aren't many choosing Western women?

Websites like the one entitled "The interracial dating guide for Japanese men" suggest that there is a desire on the part of the Japanese male to meet a Western woman. With tips such as "Cut your hair shorter on the side, leaving it longer on top to make you appear taller," it's not surprising how few couples form.

Likewise, Western women seem attracted to Japanese guys but are rarely keen to pursue relationships with them. Why?

Western girls may just be missing the subtle signs. After all, this is a land where enquiring about a woman's cooking skills can be a prelude to asking for a date and giving a man a knitted jumper can be a wedding proposal. Conversely, Japanese guys are possibly being hit on time and again without realising it. Is a lesson in international dating etiquette all that is necessary to get a Western woman and a Japanese man on a date?

Stephanie Gartelmann, a freelance editor from Australia says, "My theory, which is gleaned from contemporary social studies books, is that women are social climbers by nature and they go for men who can offer them more of what they want, whether it's romance, a better life, more money, etc. To Japanese women, Western men represent this 'better' existence, hence they find Western men very desirable. But to Western women, Japanese men have not represented 'more.' Rather, they've represented a more suffocating family life, more conservative values, a less adventurous lifestyle, less gallantry and so on. Statistically, in Japan, more Japanese men are married to foreign women than Japanese women married to foreign men, but most of these foreign wives are Asian, not Western. Obviously, to Asian women Japanese men do have a lot to offer."

Andrea Boyes is a teacher from Canada. This is her third year in Japan, and she has had a few relationships with Japanese men. A real fan of Japanese guys, she thinks Western women should try to be more understanding.

"Most Western women lack the patience for a relationship with a Japanese man. I think they end up getting frustrated and just give up. Japanese guys don't talk as much as Western guys, which can be difficult for us as we're taught the importance of communication at home. Also, relationships need maintenance and Japanese guys don't provide it. They put their jobs, families, and hobbies above their girlfriend and back away when you place demands on them. Western girls won't put up with it.

"However, there are plenty of good ones out there. They're not as aggressive as Western guys and are not as poorly endowed as the myth states. I've always been totally satisfied. To be honest, I'm starting to think that Western guys are the ones lacking. I don't know if I could go back to white guys."

What do Japanese men think? Do they find Western women loud and obnoxious? Quite the contrary. They agreed with much of what the women said, and were surprisingly self-depreciating.

Masahiro Katafuchi, a civil servant, doesn't believe Western women are interested in Japanese men.

"When I was younger I didn't want to go out with foreign women because my English wasn't very good. I couldn't explain myself well and thought I would just be tiresome. I think relationships between Japanese men and Western women are rare because Japanese men, certainly the older generation at least, are very passive, uncommunicative and have many negative traits. I don't think Western women want to date us."

Shinya Fujino, has never dated a Western woman but would like to because he thinks almost all of them look "cute and hot." A student at Nagoya City University, Shinya had some interesting insights and opinions as to why relationships between Western women and Japanese men are rare.

"I think it's because some Japanese guys are a little childish. When I talk to a Western girl I sometimes feel like a 15-year-old boy. I feel that Western girls come across as being very adult. This seems to work to the advantage of the Western guy. They seem more mature, so Japanese girls are attracted to them....I also think it's because Japanese guys are too small. It's very unusual for the girl to be taller than her boyfriend. I think intercultural relationships would be great for studying each other's language and culture deeply, but there are downsides. If the foreign person leaves Japan, it would force the relationship to break up."

So the stereotypes seem true, at least in part. Japanese guys are insecure and need more confidence, and women from the West are challenging. However, from what the interviewees revealed, Western girls do desire Japanese guys and vice versa, although one of the parties needs to initiate the proceedings.

Once you have overcome the initial cultural barriers and have found someone you really like, how easy is it to keep the relationship going?

Mairi and Koichi Araki have been together for eleven years, married for three. Koichi, a businessman, says, "I always thought Western girls were more demanding. I think that's what puts most Japanese men off. [We] would rather be pampered. For example, I spoke to a Japanese couple recently. After they got married, he gained ten pounds, as he didn't have to do anything anymore. Japanese girls are more mothering. In our relationship, I can't be lazy. Western women expect more than Japanese women. They want you to do things like open doors for them. Japanese guys realise that if they want a Western woman they can't be lazy. Personally, I think it's worth the effort."

Sarah and Koji Umetsu, married for ten years, have not encountered any real problems. Sarah, a narrator and translator from Southampton, England, says, "Cultural difficulties occur more with the way in which Japanese society responds to our relationship than between the two of us. There are some issues where we agree to disagree - whales, war and whatnot - but I wouldn't describe these as difficulties. One reason I think these relationships are relatively rare is because there are a lot of Western women who just don't find Japanese men attractive and even fewer who consider them 'marriage material.'"

But Sarah says there are big positives.
"In a cross-cultural relationship, your partner has the ability to show you a different way of perceiving and reacting to society and the world in general, a new way of thinking that you may find difficult to agree with, but is, nevertheless, an alternative to what you may have been programmed to experience."

Yuriko Yanaga is a clinical psychologist with over ten years of experience as a counselor at the Fukuoka International Association (Rainbow Plaza). She explained why she thinks there are so few Western women with Japanese men.
"Western men can go to bars and find lots of Japanese girls who are outgoing, enthusiastic, and willing to speak English. The Western women that I see rarely experience the reverse. Even if a Western girl finds herself in a bar with many Japanese guys, they're much less likely than their female counterparts to strike up a conversation, especially in English.
Western women are often approached by Japanese men who are sexually curious - guys whose ideas about Western women have been influenced by stereotypes in the media. These men often don't expect a long-term relationship."

She advises a Western woman and a Japanese guy who are looking for commitment to "check each other's communication skills and make sure that you're prepared to put in lots of effort. Interracial marriages require both partners not only to learn each other's language, but also to adjust their attitudes and expectations. Love is a great and essential start, but more is needed for a relationship to last."

And take heart in this: If a relationship should bloom between a Western woman and a Japanese man, it is more likely to last than that between a Western man and a Japanese woman. This could be attributed to the fact that there are more obstacles to getting started, so if a male Japanese and female Westerner do get together, there must be a strong attraction. Such relationships are by no means impossible. They just take a bit of determination, flexibility and, of course, the international ingredient for love: chemistry.