Feb.
2002, Xene #26
Omiai: An Altar Image
By Vanessa Fortyn
In
most developed countries these days, it is a given
that a man and a woman usually marry for love. Even
though nearly half of these marriages end in divorce,
the basic precept that both parties enter the marriage
lovingly and willingly is unshakeable. The idea of
an arranged marriage, where wedlock is the culmination
of negotiation and transaction, is anathema to many.
This is not only because of the perceived loss of
independence that it entails, but also because our
obsession with the idea of love makes marrying without
love seem empty and basically wrong. Surely arranged
marriages are an anachronism from the Middle Ages,
where the women are chattel, the parents are absolutist,
the process is medieval, and the punishment for not
accepting the proffered groom or bride is banishment.
Many visitors to Japan are surprised to still find
arranged marriages here. Yet, are these anything like
the medieval version? I set out to get the lowdown
on Japanese arranged marriages, or
omiai.
Omiai is the system of arranging marriage through
contacts who act as matchmakers. The matchmaker, or
nakodo, does all the organizing for the couple
and acts as a go-between. This intermediary can be
a relative, a family friend, a friend-of-a-friend
or a business associate.
Miyako, the wife of a successful businessman, has
acted as nakodo many times. She is a charming lady
whom people approach because of her many connections.
Usually parents present her with rsums
and photographs of their son or daughter, and Miyako
passes them on to possible matches. If both parties
are suitably impressed, she will arrange a meeting
between them. Sometimes their parents attend, too.
The meeting is usually held on neutral territory,
such as in a hotel or restaurant. Afterwards Miyako
will talk to each side. If the couple hit it off,
they may start dating. If not, it is up to Miyako
to break the news. This is particularly difficult
if one party is interested but the other is not. If
Miyako's efforts are unsuccessful, the parties may
seek other
nakodo to help them secure a mate.
Etiquette has it that if there is a successful match
the couple should express their appreciation in the
form of a gift to the
nakodo. This is usually
financial, and may be a one-off, or an annual gratuity
for a certain number of years.
Traditionally,
omiai secured good lineage,
and offspring probably had little choice other than
to follow their parents' directive to marry a chosen
partner. However, all that has changed, and while
parents still tend to be involved, they may not be
the main instigators, as people may seek out their
own matchmaker. Furthermore, the decision to tie the
knot ultimately rests with the couple contemplating
marriage.
So why do people need
omiai? Why not just go
out and find a date? Miki (31) thinks that single,
professional Japanese in search of a partner need
help with the dating game because they are shy and
find it hard to talk to strangers. Takayuki (27) agrees.
"People can talk to each other when they are
younger but when you get older and have more responsibilities
to society and to your company, it's harder to be
so carefree and meet people so easily," he says.
Remy (29) thinks Japanese women want financial security
when they marry. The only way to be guaranteed this
is to be set up with someone whose financial status
is clearly laid out at the start of the relationship,
as it is in
omiai. Ayano (27) believes
omiai
is useful for people who don't want to waste time
when it comes to marriage. Why waste time developing
a relationship with the distant possibility of marriage,
when you can get straight to the point through
omiai?
Indeed, compared to one Western way of dating where
the topic of marriage is skirted or not dwelt upon
for very long,
omiai is businesslike and brutally
frank. Keiko (32) met her husband three years ago
through a coworker. On the very first date, they discussed
the most important things about wedlock and the position
she would hold within a marriage.
Worried that she would never meet Mr. Right, Keiko
had asked her coworker to act as
nakodo. After
a few months she had been introduced to Kenji, an
acquaintance of the
nakodo, and they immediately
hit it off. The
nakodo "spent a lot of
time learning about Kenji, and thinking we would be
a good couple," says Keiko. As a result, she
feels eternally indebted to her coworker, which to
some extent she is, since she is still giving the
nakodo an annual gift.
Sayako (40), speaks of her marriage in more subdued
terms. It is of slight concern that she is much more
animated about her hobbies than she is about her spouse.
She has been a wife for fourteen years and advocates
omiai because it is arranged through contacts
who know both the man and the woman or their families.
She believes this makes the situation far more comfortable
and safer than meeting a stranger. How about passion,
sparks, spontaneity and chemistry? Sayako laughs.
"Those don't last anyway, and afterwards you
have the business of marriage and family. It's better
to know that you have a good business partner from
the start." She stresses that her hubby is a
good man and that she and her two sons are very comfortable.
The
express purpose of
omiai is, of course, marriage,
and once an introduction has been made, the couple
is expected not to waste time deciding whether to
head for the altar. Marriage was the main topic of
discussion on Miki's first date. She was introduced
to a neighbor's son by their respective parents. While
Keiko felt an immediate attraction to Kenji, Miki
felt indecisive about the man she had been partnered
with. She also felt a lot of pressure to please all
the parties involved, so although she wasn't really
attracted to the man, she was reluctant to say so.
"After every time I saw him, my parents asked
me many questions, and asked me if I felt like marrying
him," she said. "After five dates I still
couldn't decide because I wanted to feel real love,
even through
omiai, but I didn't want to hurt
my family."
There was another reason for her indecision.
"Many people told me that marriage is different
from passion, and even though I didn't feel in love
with him, people said the comfortable life we would
have would make me happy. If the man gives the woman
a comfortable life, the woman will be satisfied, and
that is real happiness."
Something else needed to be sussed out before a decision
could be reached. If you enter into a contract, you
need to make sure that you know what you're getting.
Since intimacy is a natural part of every marriage,
Miki and her man checked into a hotel together to
make sure that all the parts fit. The bizarre thing
was that Miki's folks drove her to and from the rendezvous.
Even after this romantic interlude Miki couldn't make
up her mind. Such time-consuming introspection and
contemplation were too much for Miki's beau, who thought
she was taking too long to commit.
"We were dating in April and he wanted to be
married by November," she says. So what happened?
He sent his mom over to Miki's parents' house to get
Miki's mom to tell her daughter that she was dropped.
Now there's a man of courage! How did that go down
with her folks?
"My parents were disappointed, but in the end
they understood the reasons why I wasn't interested."
Takayuki is a young, single advertising executive.
He has never been involved in
omiai himself,
but he thinks it's a good opportunity to find someone
who thinks in the same way about marriage and the
future. If he ever were to resort to
omiai
- and he's not averse to the idea - he would ask his
friends or coworkers for help. The pressures felt
by Miki would be the reasons dissuading him from asking
his family. He would hate to feel that he was compromising
his immediate family or relatives by refusing a prospective
but unsuitable partner. Takayuki thinks that
omiai
will increase in the future.
"Nowadays we have many opportunities to contact
and meet people through phones and the Internet, but
we can't really know about these people through these
media. It's better and safer to find people through
people rather than through computers."
Like anything that involves relationships,
omiai
has its successes, its failures, and its in-betweens.
It has little to do with the forced unions of bygone
times, although family pressures sometimes can be
overwhelming. As for Western equivalents, private
companies and agencies act as marriage matchmakers
for people, but there is a degree of anonymity, and
an up-front fee involved.
So the final verdict on
omiai: It seems to
be a far more organized, stylized, and formalized
version of your mate trying to set you up with someone
from the pub.
Note: Some of the names in this story have been changed
in accordance with the interviewee's wishes.
